*Here's that e-mail to coworker Scott Sturgis, and David Clary also got a copy, and it's certainly whimsical! It has a lot of arcane references to "It's A Wonderful Life," and to a Catholic document called "Nostra Aetate" and the bishop that was promoting it. I can't recall how John Lennon got included. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

LINK TO NOSTRA • RICHARD RHEM • THE GEORGE BAILEY EXPERIENCE

ABSOLUTE-TRUTH SURVEY — SURVEY SAYS!
24 February 2000

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Absolute-Truth Survey, brought to you by all-purpose Spleeno, the absolute best product ever! It dissolves engine grease, loosens old wallpaper, and it’s great on a Ritz cracker, too! I'm your host, Cardinal Francis “Richard Dawson" Arinze Bailey! (applause)

“Tonight our guests are the Bailey Brothers, no relation!" (audience laughter) "On the right we have Uncle Billy Sturgis Bailey and on the left Mr. Jon Fobes Lennon Bailey also known as George Bailey Jr. or simply 'shithead.' Hee-haw!" (more audience laughter.)

“Are the contestants ready?”

"Duh?" says Uncle Billy Sturgis Bailey.

"Wee-hooey!" shrieks Mr. Jon Fobes Lennon Bailey.

“Close enough," cries Cardinal Francis “Richard Dawson" Arinze Bailey. "Open the envelope and remove the sheet. You will see it is filled with 100 absolute-truth claims such as …

Hinduism is the one, true religion.
Buddhism is the one, true religion.
Judaism is the one, true religion.
Taoism is the one, true religion.
Shinto is the one, true religion.
Zoroastriansm is the one, true religion.
Christianity is the one, true religion.
Islam is the one, true religion.
Science is the only true way.
Astrology is the real thing.
There is a God.
There is no God.
Freud was absolutely right.
Jung was absolutely right.
Darwin was absolutely right.
Newton was absolutely right.
Einstein was absolutely right …

And so on. Gentlemen, you have 60 seconds to circle all the absolutely true statements. Ready, set, go!”

Cardinal Francis “Richard Dawson" Arinze Bailey fires a starter pistol, leaving each contestant deaf in one ear.

And he counts, "1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi … "

After 58 Mississippis and two Blue Danubes, Cardinal Francis “Richard Dawson" Arinze Bailey shouts, "Pencils down! Would the celebrity score lady come on stage and tally the truths, please!" (applause.)

Elle Macpherson Bailey enters stage left wearing the outfit she made famous in the movie “Sirens:” Nothing at all! (much more applause.) She mysteriously produces a grease pencil, grades the surveys and returns them to Cardinal Francis “Richard Dawson" Arinze Bailey, who has maintained his dignity throughout.

“Survey says … Uncle Billy Sturgis Bailey circled two items and Mr. Jon Fobes Lennon Bailey circled no items, and so they are in 98% agreement in their skepticism of absolute-truth claims. This is one of the highest levels of agreement we have ever had! Aren’t you surprised, gentlemen? What do you have to say for yourselves?”

"Duh?" says Uncle Billy Sturgis Bailey.

"Wee-hooey!" shrieks Mr. Jon Fobes Lennon Bailey.

“And that’s all the time we have tonight for Absolute-Truth Survey,” shouts Cardinal Francis “Richard Dawson" Arinze Bailey. Elle Macpherson Bailey, Cardinal Francis “Richard Dawson" Arinze Bailey, Uncle Billy Sturgis Bailey and Mr. Jon Fobes Lennon Bailey wave at the camera and blow kisses like idiots while the audience goes wild.

Offstage Don Pardo Bailey intones, "And now a word from Spleeno … "

Here's another whimsical e-mail from 2000.

ALLY McREAL
25 February 2000

One good and faithful member of the group asked yesterday, "Why do you always say 'absolute truth' and not just 'truth'?"

"Because lots of things are true in little ways," I said. "For example, it's true I drive a Ford Contour, and we could go to the parking garage and verify it. But there are other truths -- big, overarching ones -- that can't be verified. For example, no one can verify that his religion is the correct one." That good and faithful member said, "Hmm … I think we need more discussion," at which point Lisa swooned.

Only later did the question strike me as unsettling, and I wondered, "Does any of this stuff make sense to people?" So let me present a dumb analogy that goes right to the heart of my concern with belief systems. Let’s say you are an inhabitant of a very poor and backward country. In the little shack that serves as a meeting place there is a TV with satellite dish, a gift from the crew of "National Geographic Explorer" in your village to shoot footage of the rare, red-eyed newt.

No one knows how to run the dish or turn off the TV, so the screen is filled with static except Monday at 9 when "Ally McBeal" miraculously appears on screen. Everyone gathers to watch the show. Suddenly, your basic, human "mechanisms for understanding" start to operate on "Ally McBeal" as they do on any story. You see people, places, relationships, story lines … things hang together and make sense; there is a lot of information there to get and hold your attention, lots of stuff for the mechanisms of understanding to work on: jokes, barbs, rebuffs, call-backs, resets … Indeed, you and your neighbors come to believe you are watching real life as it unfolds in far-off America. This is not a TV show but a window on the world.

"Ally McBeal" becomes a great topic of discussion in the village. People believe if only they could get to America they could track down the law offices of Cage and Fish and meet the real Ally McBeal in the same way we might possibly fly to California and meet the glamorous and sophisticated Calista Flockhart.

You see, the mechanisms of understanding operate on all kinds of stories and give us powerful sensations of truth and reality. Sometimes we have the ability to verify that truth, like seeing a Ford or meeting an actress. Other times we can’t verify it because to do so would mean going to another world. And we simply can’t get there from here. My contention is that a TV show and a religion -- while not exactly the same — function in similar ways: While each makes sense in itself and creates a coherent, attention-gripping story, it cannot be verified unless you have access to another world. Things that can be verified are of a different order than those that can't. Love, religion, philosophy, human psychology … all open to intense discussion.

So how does something that can't be verified become absolutely real in peoples' minds? That's the question!

One answer might be: "Faith makes it real." But how? In regards any system, the truth you believe comes from the story you accept; the story you accept is based on assumptions you hold. So the circle goes round and comes right back to the individual, who in the end believes in what he accepts and accepts what he believes. But does it connect to anything real? An impossible question and good topic for discussion! Surprisingly, I don’t have a big problem with the tenuous nature of personal belief. We all must believe what makes sense to us; it would simply be impossible to do otherwise. How could we live without beliefs? But must we clothe our truths in holy garb and avow they apply to everyone in the world? I hope not.

Since I must believe what makes sense to me, I admittedly see things in a certain light, but I try to keep that in mind and not get carried away with myself lest I fall into the very trap I am trying to avoid. Having said that, I will go ahead and fall into it anyway with the help of the Pope. In today's PD there was an article on his trip to Egypt. As I mentioned before: There is nothing like absolute truth to create intolerance, so the value of tolerance must be pushed unrelentingly. Hence, the Pope's mission to Egypt.

Anyway, perhaps I am reading my own thoughts into this passage, but I think the Pope made my exact point about belief systems when he said: "Islam is a religion and a culture, and Christianity is a religion and a culture." Read that again: "Islam is a religion and a culture, and Christianity is a religion and a culture."

Someone who speaks for 1 billion people and whose statements are spread all over the globe, probably chooses his words and sentences carefully, don't you think? If you look at the comma as a balance point, then the message is that Islam and Christianity balance out. Know what that means? It means one is not true while the other is false; one is not absolute while the other is conditional.

That sentence echoes the message of the Arinze article: It is beyond our human ability to say that absolute truth is located within any single religion. It’s someplace else; you can reach it, and it can reach you, in MANY different ways. If we forget that, humanity will goes down the toilet; I think that's the Pope's message. I don’t think he drags his frail, old body all over the globe to win converts for Catholicism; I think he is trying to put the idea of absolute truth in its proper perspective. That's my twisted interpretation! Maybe I will change my mind next week.

While he places his ideas in a religious context, I try to show how stories activate the mechanisms of understanding to produce the illusion of truth, which is sometimes so strong we can’t see past it. I think it amounts to the same thing.