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GOD'S PENIS
13 February

You never know what you’re going to learn from a simple phone call.

I called my mother today, just to see how she was doing this Sunday afternoon, and among other news, she told me that when she no longer needs it, she’s going to give her car to my niece. I told her that was a fine idea but that I hoped she’d get a lot more use out of it, and perhaps she might even need another car in the years to come.

“Well, I just don’t know how long He’ll let me stay,” she said.

I didn’t respond.

“You know, God,” she said.

“I thought God was a She,” I told her.

“God’s a He!” she said.

“Mom, really! God’s a He? Do you think God has a penis?”

“God is the father of Jesus,” she said. “Of course, He has a penis!”

I burst out laughing and, to her credit, so did she! And she laughed even harder when I said I was going to put this on my Web site. You’ve got to appreciate a believer who still retains a sense of humor.

Being a gentlemen I did not ask, “Is it a big one?” Or more to the point (pun intended), “Is it circumcised?”

But I called her back for one follow-up question:

“I was just writing up our conversation for the Web site, and I have an important question: Does God poop?”

Slight pause … “Of, course!”

More laughter from both parties. She laughed so hard she started coughing.

“I am glad you gave such a decisive answer!” I said.

“Well … He’s a person, you know!” More laughter.

“OK — I just wanted to check. Thanks!”

I guess I am not the only amateur theologian in the Fobes family, and perhaps this shows why I value humor more than religion.

AFTERTHOUGHT: Someone should write a book entitled, “God’s Penis and other Theological Curiosities.” For example:

• Noah’s Ark sank; we’re not really here.

• There were misspellings and grammar errors in the stone tablets Moses brought down from Sinai. And some coffee stains.

• For many years Joseph and Jesus made a good income as carpenters building crosses for the Romans.

• Jesus and Mary Magdalene did not have any children, but they had a Jack Russell terrier named “Little Shirley Beans.”

• Lazarus owned the first department store.

• Management took half the tip Jesus left for the last supper.

• The Knights Templar got their power through backmail, and were ultimately wiped out, for revealing that God uses the bathroom.

• The Holy Grail was really the cup Jesus used as catcher for the Jerusalem Mud Hens.

 

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